Hillary 2020: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

by Alex Knepper

Last night I had the craziest dream. Hillary Clinton announced her 2020 campaign from a rally in New York City.

Hillary walks onto the stage, head held high. A banner behind her reads: “HILLARY’S THE ONE.”

After losing two elections everyone thought she would win, she’s decided maybe she will win an election everyone thinks she will lose.

She’s certainly stopped caring what everyone thinks. Now that she’s already lost the Big One, she’s free to say what she really thinks.

“I thought last time that the American people would see through the garbage. It turns out the disinformation machine is bigger, louder, and more resilient than we thought. But where does this fake president get off lecturing anyone on corruption? He says I should run only if I confess to my so-called crimes? How about our fake president in the White House confesses to his crimes against our democracy before he runs for a second term?”

Repeatedly, Hillary refers to Trump as “the fake president.”

Image result for hillary's the one

“We know he’s a fake president, totally unable to competently fulfill the duties of the job. Now, I won three million more votes than he did and he’ll never get over it. But it’s so much more than that. His own top appointees, like Rex Tillerson, James Mattis, and Steve Bannon, have called him an idiot and a moron. It makes him very upset because he knows it’s true. Nowadays he can’t even get people to work for him except hucksters and grifters. Imagine being the President of the United States and nobody wants to work for you.”

She ripped those who said she shouldn’t be running:

“How about when people tell Joe Biden, who is running for the third time in thirty years, to drop out, then I’ll drop out. I had two near-victories in eight years, and they have the audacity to call me the one who wants the presidency more than life itself for running again? I am running because I’d be a better president than any of the other candidates!”

Hillary the Fighter is back.

“Everyone knows that I would have won in 2016 if it hadn’t been for the grandstanding of Jim Comey. Remember that sad display? No matter what your delusions are, Jim, history will always remember you as the man who gave us Donald Trump. You will not be remembered for your ‘higher loyalty’ to the United States.

One more time…a celebration…you know we’re gonna do it right…

She also ripped the media unexpectedly, throwing a curve ball at Trump and his supporters:

“Maybe the mainstream media can redeem themselves by writing journalism about my campaign this time instead of tabloid slop unfit for the Enquirer. I’m looking at you, failing New York Times. You want to know who is responsible for our fake president? Look in the mirror!”

Social media went berserk. Could this really be Hillary Clinton?

“This is Hillary Diane Rodham unplugged!” Hillary roars into the microphone. “This time we’re taking no prisoners and we’re gonna take the fake president out of the White House and put him in the Big House!”

“Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!” the crowds roared.

In 2016, Hillary spoke of having a “responsibility gene.” This time, she’s intent on giving Trump a taste of his own medicine, it would seem.

And her agenda was freshly progressive:

“And here’s what’s on my agenda: we’re gonna fight for that $15 minimum wage! We’re gonna fight for a robust public option in healthcare! We’re gonna forgive student loans! We’re gonna get money out of politics and overturn Citizens United! We’re gonna raise taxes on the wealthy and fund universal pre-K and childcare! We’re gonna give teachers a raise! We’re gonna fight the Republican assault on reproductive healthcare, fight for LGBTQ rights, fight for the work that still needs to be done for women’s equality, fight for immigrants and children and their families. And yes, we’re gonna fight Russia’s attempts to flood our media and social media with their propaganda! And we’re gonna do that by ending this fake presidency and doing the things we should have been doing over the last four years.”

And she concluded with a bang:

“My friends, I know how audacious this campaign announcement will seem to some people. They want me to shut up and go away. They want me to hate myself as much as they hate me. But I’m not shutting up, I’m not going away, and we’re gonna end the humiliation to which America has been subjected by this fake president and his incompetent, corrupt regime!”

And then I woke up.

It was just a dream. Not a prophecy! Not a vision!

Hillary’s not running in 2020.

Is she?

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